The Game you Didn't Buy Today - April 12, 2011

"Not extreme enough. Better add a snake..."

I'm just gonna be out with it: I used to be a Boy Scout. I never made Eagle and I was pretty terrible at everything. Camping was never really my cup of tea. I really like the outdoors, but when it comes to survivability, my chances are pretty low. Unless the threats against me are solved by knot tying or automotive repair, I am pretty screwed.

Take Gary Paulsen's Hatchet. You know the one. Plane crash, kid has a hatchet, survives a few months and gets rescued. Yeah, that kid? Hell of a lot better than me. If the plane crashed into a shoelace factory where my only escape hinged upon a clove hitch and a fuel line, I might make it home. Any other circumstance, and it'll be a rough sight.

I bring this up because, with all the things I never learned about survival, there is one rule they hammered into my head so often with a force so blunt it somehow managed to trap itself in my adolescent brain: Don't move.

This is how I know Bear Grylls was never a Boy Scout.

Bear says, "pay attention. This will save your life someday."

This is also why I don't consider Man vs. Wild a show about survival. I know watching a dude sit around waiting for God or man to deliver them from solitude isn't very entertaining. People did love Beavis and Butthead, though, so I may be wrong. Truth be told, no one is watching Man vs. Wild to see Bear Grylls survive. They tune in to see a dude run really fast through the wilderness and watch him eat a bunch of gross shit. Let me be clear. Nothing is wrong with that. I love watching a show where a person weaves through trees at breakneck speed like they're trying to escape the Predator. I also love shows where people cram bugs and mammal entrails into their mouths because they think they have to.

Is it survival? Hardly. Is it fun? Hell yes.

When you think about it, a game based on 'jungle-parkour meets a Fear Factor lunch plate' seems like a great idea. Separate, these two game concepts don't fare so well, but together, Man vs. Wild: The Game is a sweet peanut butter cup of potential.

And really, for a game inspired by a tv show, it doesn't look absolutely terrible. It may not be the prettiest thing out there, but it is hardly the worst to see the light of day on current consoles. The game itself  is comprised of five environments based directly on episodes from the show, and its progression will be instantly familiar to anyone with even a tertiary knowledge of the program. Bear finds a crazy way to strand himself in the wilderness, fights and kills some wildlife, eats said wildlife, plays MacGyver, and escapes to safety in an arbitrary and ultimately unsatisfying manner. Essentially, gameplay is the quick-and-dirty equivalent; open-world exploration stitched together with scripted events and item gathering.

Cue tangent rant. I love Resident Evil 4 only slightly more than I hate its influence on the games industry. Quick-time-events are a tool. They are not the foundation for a game. When the majority of your game's player interaction comes from QTE's, you need to take a hard look at what you've made, because it's no more a game than a DVD menu. Most every animal interaction in Man vs. Wild is a QTE. Prompt after prompt, fight after fight, you will wonder if there is possibly any way to make fighting an alligator more boring.

So, where is the fun? Its first instance is most obvious. There are a ton of ways to watch Bear Grylls meet his maker. Wish Bear had missed that jump over a canyon? Make it so. Wonder what it looks like when he loses a fight with a python? Wonder no more. Mr. Grylls himself stated in a "USA Today" article:

"It's a bit weird, seeing myself get killed by crocodiles and stuff..."

Weird for him, satisfying for us.

The second morsel of enjoyment is found in its unlockable material. Playing through the game nets you image galleries and video from the show, including the single greatest clip in the entire series. Yes, players can earn footage of Bear Grylls drinking his own urine. There was a time when such a thing could be worth the $29.99 Amazon wants for it (a much more reasonable price than some of the other television-based fare). That time is long gone. The internet once again gives us the best stuff for free...

With all my mockery aside, this really isn't the worst licensed game out there. It's budget priced (by current-gen standards), obsessively draws from its source materials, and plays to its audience.  Realistically, no game based on Man vs. Wild could be better than what this is.  If you're the person who wanted this game to exist, here you go.  It will do for you exactly what you expect it to.