750: And You Can Count...

So, when I mentioned that rocket-sled yesterday, I meant it.

Free-writing is a jet-fueled, crudely directed disastermobile, and I can think of no better way to force myself into a regular position of rapid fire ridiculousness than to just let the keyboard work its magic. What you are about to ignore is yet another column idea, spawned from that wonderful beehive of aimless ambition that is the core of NRDLNGR. You want content? You want to read something so damn bad, you don’t care what it is? No? Well... I don’t know what to tell you. Go back to pounding refresh on Facebook.

For those of you still here, welcome to what I am calling 750. Someone much more organized and disciplined than I suggested each person should write 750 words each day to better themselves. I liked the idea, and it is something I have tried to incorporate into my personal routine. At a certain point, the obvious struck me: I created a venue to capture my inane ramblings, yet I never produce content for it. Why not apply the same attitude toward it as I have toward myself?

Each day, I will find something, anything, related to the broad scope of nerdery and just unload on it. If it comes into my brain, it’s going on the site. No concise wording. No exemplification of craft. Just good old fashioned rambling crap crammed into your eye sockets. If I finish up my thoughts before the 750 mark, I’ll just find a way to keep going. God only knows what will come out of it, but I will not stop. If I go over? My first inclination is to just cut off right at the word count, but I may try to clean things up in post as to make something readable. I guess it just depends on how I feel and what seems to work best.

At first glance, this is the complete antithesis of what NRDLNGR stood for. When I started, I wanted clear, tightly-written articles emphasizing ideas over content. The Internet is filled with opinionated crap, and NRDLNGR was to hold itself to something better. I didn’t want content for content’s sake. Let me be clear, I still believe in that. However, my own tendencies began to work against me and kept anything from getting done. Precision became perfection, and perfection became a barrier.

My hope is to use this column to break down that barrier. As I move into the consistent day-to-day writing, I hope to generate a momentum I can carry into a more complete realization of what I would like NRDLNGR to be. I hope to make this the foundation of something I can be proud of. At the very least, it will be something, which is a whole hell of a lot more than what has been going on around here.

Rest assured, this is not the only step I have planned in getting this rusted word-wagon moving again. The second step is something I have toyed with in my mind for some time, yet have never fully committed myself to until now. The world of live-streaming is nothing new. Bored or narcissistic people have been broadcasting their every waking moment for some time now. I’m bored. I’m narcissistic.

I want in.

At least one night a week, I want to produce something for the unruly Internet masses to shit all over while they’re bored at home. Ok, my goal is not to produce something terrible, but, to be honest, I really am not too sure what I make will stand up to what others are doing. The live-stream community looks like an easy one to break into, but I am almost certain it is not. Also, my production equipment is mediocre at best, so what gets made will undoubtedly look like it had been produced by a toddler. So be it. If NRDLNGR’s content becomes the RC Cola of the Internet, is that really such a bad thing? How many Americans accidentally ingest RC Cola annually? Ten? 20? If I can get 20 people to tell me NRDLNGR’s a piece of shit, I think that’s a pretty solid win.

Whatever will be will be, and what will be is more. More words. More stuff. More something.

And now, an oldie, but a goodie, courtesy of The Onion:

Onlookers were amazed by the copious amounts of blood. Onlookers were amazed by the copious amounts of blood. Onlookers were amazed by the copious amounts

Um... Yeah, About That...

Hey.

Been a while, hasn't it? I wish I had a good answer for you as to why I never write anything, even when I have so many functional ideas floating around in my fickle consciousness. I think some of it is dreaming bigger than my means, which causes my perfectionist tendencies to shoot myself down even before take-off. Another part of it comes from my easily-distracted...

Where was I?

Oh, now I remember. I was making stupid excuses. That should stop. So, here goes a shot at crushing my excuses and making something resembling a decent attempt at generating some stupid nerdy crap for you to sink your mind-teeth into. I'm gonna do my best to make the most of my fledgling nerd-hovel. I have staked my digital claim to 'NRDLNGR,' and I want to do the name proud.

First off is more rapid-fire writing. My journalism professors would strangle every ounce of life from me if they heard me say that, but I need to move with the shifting tides. Will my writing suffer because of it? Probably not. I really don't think I could make my writing any worse, so why spend time worrying about it? I mean, what fun is a slow-moving train wreck? So, get ready for a questionably articulated rocket-sled of nonsense coming right at you.

Next is multimedia. While I was half kidding about my crash-and-burn writing mentality, I really do think this one will end in some sort of flaming wreckage. I have zero background in sound engineering, video editing, or basic human social skills. Sufficed to say, the unholy union of these things and more will either make for some of the most unintentionally entertaining stuff out there or become one of the many so-bad-it's-bad pieces of work left to rot in the digital wastes. My hope is to get some live streams up since they seem to require little back-end work. Now, my recording equipment is, well, anything I have on hand. If this seems to work well, I might consider investing in some, but for now, it's whatever I find in my apartment. Think of it as being quaint in a world that has no room for the quaint.

I guess I look at this as a change of mindset for myself and NRDLNGR. I started with the focus on not screwing up. Now I just want to wreck it for my own entertainment.

And yours, too.

So get ready for some concentrated half-assery, because when you're too small to fail, there's nowhere to go but up...

Fourplay: Q and You

Let's kick this off with an exercise. I'm going to list a bunch of common video game actions, and I want you to name what key you would instinctively press to make it happen.

Oh, if you haven't figured it out already, I'm talking about keyboard controls. You can set the controller aside for this one.

Ready? Press a key to:

• Open a door
• Pick up an object from the ground
• Search a downed enemy
• Flip a switch
• Press a button
• Talk to someone
• Examine an item

So, what did you hit? E, right? The E key is the action button, the 'use' key, the go-to input for interaction between the player and the environment. If you're not shooting it, punching it, or blowing it up, you're pressing E to manipulate it in some way. Now, this fact alone could spur endless debate in terms of game design and interactivity, but that's not where I'm taking this. No, I bring it up simply to point out that E is far and away the key you're using most to do things (movement notwithstanding, naysayer in the back).

Why does this matter? Quite simply, E is the go-to because of where it sits on your keyboard. In a WASD position, there are few keys easier to hit than E. Yet, even with all these things we map to E, an equally viable key is nearly ignored when it comes time to set controls. Yeah, you know the one...

Or maybe you don't.

Exercise number two. Hunt down your five most played games on PC. Steam should let you sort that, but if not, or heaven forbid you aren't using Steam, just use your best judgement. Got your five? Now, tell me what happens in those games when you hit Q. It's ok. Take your time. Hell, I'm writing this damn thing and it still took me a minute to remember what it did in two games.

If E is the key we're using most, why isn't Q the key we're using second-most? I cannot, for the life of me, make heads or tails of it. Does it stem from decades past PC design where Q was used to quit programs? Maybe. I really don't know. Whatever the reason, Q is underutilized, which makes it a great place to start when messing with your keybindings.

Believe it or not, re-mapping Q can salvage what may otherwise be an unplayable or frustrating game. Take Borderlands. Melee attacks can be life-or-death in a clutch, but are difficult to pull off on the fly when a physical disability prevents rapid shifting of hand positions. To go from movement-by-touch with the left thumb to hunting down V (the default key) and back again is a nightmare. You have to stop moving, which is a naughty no-no in shooters. Re-map melee attacks to Q, and see how it changes things. I rush with W, and simply slide my thumb left to strike. I don't even need to let off W. All well and good, but what do we do with Q's old mapping? In this case, absolutely nothing. Borderlands doesn't map anything to Q. It's prime real estate completely ignored.

So, what should you be mapping to Q? Anything, really. Q is a great key for actions that pair well with movement. If you can comfortably stop in a game while hunting down the key, what you're looking to do probably doesn't need to be on Q. For me, I tend to play with default controls for a bit til I identify the single key I repeatedly find myself fishing for. If it's more useful to me than what Q is doing, I swap them. A lot of it is trial-and-error.

I was gun-shy about changing keybindings at first, but found Q to be a great, safe place to start. Even for the able-bodied of you out there, consider using Q as a stepping stone toward becoming comfortable with switching up controls. You may be of the mindset that 'developer knows best,' but that is a fallacy. The simple truth is you will always know better. Don't be afraid to wreck up the place once you find yourself comfortable with switching things around. You can always change them back if you take it too far.

Don't let E have all the fun. Make Q work for you. You'd be surprised how much fun you can salvage from frustration.

Half-Life 2 Fear Journal - Part 0: Knowing the Unknown

"There's a headcrab around that corner."

Those were the last words I uttered to Half-Life 2.

*   *   *

I am almost never affected by horror films. I don't know if it's an inability to suspend disbelief or a general desensitization to media violence, but I've always found the genre to be more comedic than frightening. Of the dozens of horror flicks I have seen, only one has really gotten under my skin. I react more to the disturbing nature of something than the types of fear shilled by the typical Halloween movie season.

Games are different. Games scare the shit out of me.

Fourplay: You Just Got Beat by a...

I have always been competitive when it comes to video games. I can let just about every other adversarial activity slide without a second glance, but something inside me demands my best once you set a controller in my hands. Maybe it's because games are something I'm good at, so I demand to be better. I'm not the best, but I feel like I hold my own. I would wager I sit in the 80th percentile of 'general player ability' when spread across all genres. I say this not to brag. I bring it up because there is a fact often neglected when considering my skill of play, a truth no one on the other end realizes when I lap them in a race or capture their flag.

I am a quadriplegic.

Dirt 3, Games for Windows, and the Meaning of Progress

A few weeks ago, I wrote an article on Games for Windows as a sample for a job application. It centered around a small pet peeve in GFW Live integration in Codemasters' exceptional rally racer, Dirt 3. A few things have changed since then and now, making the old piece slightly outdated. Even so, the problem persists.

And it all starts with a triangle...

Logo-a-Go-Go

You can't be iconic without an icon. I present to you the new logo for NRDLNGR:

Simple, with a nice rough edge. It really speaks for itself, so I'll leave it to it. Let us know what you think.

Hidden Treasures: Descent

I don't get motion sick.

Ok, so there was that one time in the second Pirates movie. There's a three-way swordfight between Jack Davenport, Orlando Bloom, and Johnny Depp (not nearly as sexy as it sounds) inside a rotating water wheel. That scene, with the genius marriage of spinning backgrounds and shaky-cam, is the closest I've ever come to winning first place in the cookie-toss, but that's it. Mirror's Edge? Back to the Future ride? The infamous county fair Pukenator? Nada.

So I do not state it lightly when I say Descent makes me nauseous.

Hidden Treasures: Crash Bandicoot

I'm just going to get it out of the way now:

Although nearly all of us grew out of it, I still have a soft spot for the good ol' days of mascot warfare. Mario and Sonic were our playground standard bearers. They inspired us to greater feats of fervent loyalty. If we saw a kid with a Sonic backpack, my friends and I would roll up on them and start some shit. This was Nintendo turf, and if we ever saw a Sega kid anywhere near the jungle gym, they were going back to the basketball court in a Genesis-shaped casket. The first parties were our gangs, and the mascots were our colors.

Maybe we made Crash Bandicoot into a mascot because we needed him to be one.

Hidden Treasures: The Mystery Box

Backlog.  'Pile of Shame.'  Whatever you call it, many of us amass a stable of games that, for whatever reason, we never get to. The folks at NRDLNGR are just as guilty of this stockpiling, so we're digging into our own catalog to find some of the gems we'd long since buried.


In elementary school, I was known as 'the kid who knew about Nintendo.' Anyone could come to me with a video game question, and somehow I always had the answer. The title has evolved over time, but it is one I still wear with pride. Yes, part of it means I obsess over every aspect of the massive world that is the interactive entertainment industry, losing sleep and ignoring loved ones in exchange for an intricate knowledge of insignificant nerdery. Yet, with burdens of expectation come the thing that makes it all worth it.

Yep. I'm talking about free stuff.

The Game(s) you Didn't Buy Today - May 10th, 2011

So, what games didn't you buy today?

The short answer: Any of these...

What began weeks ago as a frustrating inconvenience, the complete collapse of the PlayStation Network has gone on to become what I can only imagine will be a defining PR disaster in the history of the video games industry. As the days go on, I find more and more facets of this outage rising to full awareness. Between the personal information compromises, the estimated financial loss for anyone involved, and the incalculable loss of public trust, this fiasco almost defies conventional definition.

It's pretty bad. Scratch that. It's really bad.

What makes it even worse is that it's still going on. No one has expected this to go on for as long as it has. Not a single one. Hell, even Sony expected a bit more progress on resolving the outage by now. When I read about the Network shutdown on April 20, I blew it off. With a nice vacation planned for the weekend, I had little to worry about. I remember saying to myself, verbatim, "this'll be fixed by the time I get back."

I almost did a double-take when my phone's RSS reader was filled with PSN articles when I got home Monday night. Not only was the service still down, but there's a pretty good chance my personal information had been taken.

Personal data aside, the thought of a major global server network and digital retail space being down for six days is insane. The expectations of a digital culture has made us notoriously impatient. Six days is an eternity when it comes to the internet. I mean, look at this blog. Anyone reading it before today was pretty sure I had died. A service like PSN being down for more than a weekend is pretty unheard of. I don't remember any of the Xbox Live outages lasting that long, but the backlash against Microsoft was still huge.

Now add the theft of personal data from millions of PSN users, including ambiguity as to the safety of credit card information, and you have a public relations nightmare from which Sony will not soon wake.

That's only after day six.

Today is day 21, and the issues have only compounded. Now, Sony isn't the only one taking a hit. Although some third-party developers have commented directly on the outage, such as Capcom, it would be hard to imagine anyone with content on the platform exit this debacle unscathed.  One instance I find disheartening is Bethesda's release of Brink. A Bethesda spokesperson assured Eurogamer it would ship on time in spite of PS3 users being unable to play online. That's a pretty bitter pill for Bethesda to swallow, given the cornerstone of their game is its online component. Games live or die by their releases, and to be forced to choose between pushing back your street date and killing your game's hype and momentum or launching a game that lacks its core functionality based on bad circumstances, the fault of which is not your own, is terrible.

No developer should be put in that position, but many have and many will if this trend continues. As it stands now, there is no definitive end to the PSN outage. Sony is shooting for a return of all functionality by the end of the month, but have yet to set a date for basic services like multiplayer support and PlayStation@Home (which I am sure will make a lot of already-bored people very happy). Sony has promised reimbursement to account-holders in the form of free games and services (such as free identity-theft protection, how thoughtful), but what of those who have lost more than playtime on FreeRealms? I cannot imagine what small developers  who rely on PSN as a distribution platform are thinking right now. I don't mean to be melodramatic or alarmist, but I am confident more than one person is going to lose their job as collateral damage from this.

And that, more than anything, is what makes me upset. Yes, there are games I would be buying if PSN were up, but I have a big enough back catalog of games to barely notice. In all honesty, the fear of not earning trophies (regardless of what they say) has caused me to dig out an old treasure trove of unplayed PS1 games, the contents of which I hope to write about soon. Between that and Netflix, I have been rather unaffected by the downtime. What gets to me is the idea that, with the hacking of Sony's network, the people who stand to lose the most aren't Sony at all.

The jury is still out on who actually perpetrated the security breach, but to those responsible, I ask:  When the dust settles, what will it all have been for? Greed? God, do I hope it was greed. Greed is easy to justify, and, at the very least, has a purpose. What depresses me most is the idea this attack was meant to send a message to Sony. If the goal was to remind the PlayStation devision it's not God, good job. They're mortal. So is this whole industry, and you have done little more than harm individuals who most likely have more in common with you than with Sony. You know, it goes beyond that. If the punchline in all this is 'don't fuck with hackers,' I am disappointed by your narrow-mindedness. You have proven yourself a petulant anarchist. Even further (assuming you are who we all have begun to believe you are), you have drawn the ire of your cohorts, the only group of individuals likely to have ever garnished you praise. All you will have to show for this is the fleeting satisfaction that you undid something that never really needed undoing, and if that's good enough for you, so be it. Enjoy your chaos if that's all you want.

Because other than my time right now, that's just about all you'll get.

The Game you Didn't Buy Today - April 12, 2011

"Not extreme enough. Better add a snake..."

I'm just gonna be out with it: I used to be a Boy Scout. I never made Eagle and I was pretty terrible at everything. Camping was never really my cup of tea. I really like the outdoors, but when it comes to survivability, my chances are pretty low. Unless the threats against me are solved by knot tying or automotive repair, I am pretty screwed.

Take Gary Paulsen's Hatchet. You know the one. Plane crash, kid has a hatchet, survives a few months and gets rescued. Yeah, that kid? Hell of a lot better than me. If the plane crashed into a shoelace factory where my only escape hinged upon a clove hitch and a fuel line, I might make it home. Any other circumstance, and it'll be a rough sight.

I bring this up because, with all the things I never learned about survival, there is one rule they hammered into my head so often with a force so blunt it somehow managed to trap itself in my adolescent brain: Don't move.

This is how I know Bear Grylls was never a Boy Scout.

Hard Mode - Contra: Shatterted Soldier

Are you a glutton for punishment?  Is throwing a controller through your television cathartic? NRDLNGR understands the need for a good challenge every now and then, so we've dedicated Wednesdays to the masochist in all of us. So find a comfy chair, take a deep breath, and get ready to hurl obscenities at loved ones...


When discussing difficult game franchises, it's hard to avoid bringing up Contra. Konami's bullet-riddled side-scroller is what many gamers my age cut our teeth on. The game was difficult, but rarely felt frustrating. There were a few cheap deaths to be had, I admit, but it was still fun. All it took was a friend and a Konami Code to turn an exercise in pain into an afternoon of joyful fighting over who got the spreader.

That's the thing about nostalgia.  It lies.

The Game you Didn't Buy Today - March 29, 2011

Live to ride, ride to live..

I want to start by making an apology: This article is only available in 2D.

Yes, that turquoise cube of multi-dimensional potential is finally in our hands. The Nintendo 3DS was released here in the US Sunday, and whether you’re in love with the alternate-reality functions or its curious abundance of fishing titles, it’s hard to imagine a time before depth perception.

So, while you read this from behind your stereoscopic camera, let’s take a gander at the games you can no longer afford. There’s a racing game (yawn), some golf thing (still better than real golf), and a new Dynasty Warriors installment (the Japanese seem pleased with it...). These are all well and good, but they pale in comparison to the awesome might that is, you guessed it, a new wrestling game.

WWE All-Stars. Forget plot. Forget sanity. THQ has cut the crap and given fans what they want; oiled, shirtless men rolling around on a raised platform. It may literally be more fun than you can shake a folding-chair-autographed-by-John-Cena at. And don’t worry hyperactive 12-year-old/redneck drunk on testosterone/redneck drunk on PBR and possibly turpentine, because you don’t need one of those expensive HD tee-vees or a current-gen console to get a piece of this dudefest. WWE All-Stars is available on the Playstation 2.

That’s not a typo. This week will see a game released for the PS2. It isn’t even the game I wanted to write about today, but I am too amazed to let it slip by unnoticed. Sony wasn’t kidding when they designed the PS2 with a 10-year lifespan in mind. Ok, maybe they didn’t have this in mind, but anything is better than nothing, right? I am curious, though, does THQ know Gamestop doesn’t have shelf space designated for new PS2 games? Maybe the PS2 version is exclusive to truck stops.

Now that I think about it, I would not be surprised to discover my previous statement is true...

Behind the Curtain - On the Topic of Biting and Chewing

Welcome to day three of what we were all sure was destined to become a one-day mistake.

We here at the NRDLNGR headquarters hold ourselves to a high, yet curiously abstract, standard. We want to make stuff. Fun and informative stuff. Stuff that says, "I am here, doing whatever it is I do. Isn't my presence entertaining and valuable?"

However, in our haste to give you all that stuff we were pitching, we kinda forgot what it takes to make said stuff. Making stuff takes time, inspiration, and resources both tangible and intangible. Trust us, we're inspired more than we should be. Those other things, however, are where we hit some snags. Some resources, such as equipment, are quickly being acquired. Other resources, such as time, are easily mismanaged and difficult to obtain. All this means is that we need to be patient.  Patience sucks, but it always seems to pay off at Christmas, so we see little reason as to why it shouldn't pay off here.

In short, stuff is good, time is tricky, and we're sorry if a lack of one results in the lack of the other.

Worry not. A shipment of stuff , with its smooth, good taste and rich stuff-y flavor is headed your way, and the driver has been instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks...

The Game you Didn't Buy Today - March 22, 2011

This may still be better than Rush Hour

Money is tight. We know you can't afford to play everything out there, and when push comes to shove, you have to make some tough calls. Don't worry, NRDLNGR has your back. Every Tuesday, we'll take a closer look at a game you probably passed by.  You'll never have to wonder 'what if?' again...

Well, nerd-o-sphere, we have come to the end of an era.  The Nintendo 3DS is arriving on American shores this Sunday. Regardless of how you feel about the constantly-looming threat of blindness (I could go either way at this point), it is difficult not to be excited by a new generation of hardware. With this excitement comes a twinge of sadness as we bid adieu to the giant-grey-paperweight-turned-something-more that was the Nintendo DS.

What could be a better swan song to Nintendo's cash machine in the week before the 3DS than the thing that made it great:  Licensed shovelware! I give you Playmobil: Top Agents.

Top Agents is another entry into the curiously robust list of games based on the plastic toy line of its namesake. This, in itself, is already a strike against it. At the risk of stomping on someone's childhood, I've got to ask:  Did anyone actually play with these toys? Of all the enticing choking hazards out there, Playmobil struck me as a third-stringer at best. When I think Playmobil, I envision a kid's birthday dashed to pieces when they finally get to open that big present, eagerly shredding that wrapping paper to reveal a box of plastic disappointment. There aren't enough Ninja Turtle cakes in the world to save this one, mom and dad!

I was kinda hoping Top Agents would be about that. It's not...

Welcome to NRDLNGR

Everything comes from somewhere.

This is NRDLNGR, a shot-in-the-dark attempt to give other nerd blogs something to write about.  Whether it be about technology, entertainment, or anything else remotely amusing, we hope to produce something worth paying attention to.

Or not.  We'll see.

God only knows how you got here (probably looking for Simpsons quotes), but we might as well make it worth your time for a bit.  The hope is to produce a variety of content to inform and entertain, but you can never tell with these things.  For all we know, this could wind up with the rest of the 'it sounded better in my head' ideas littering the dregs of internet craptastrophy.  Most likely, we'll get bored and drop the whole thing.

Regardless of what happens here, the ultimate goal is to avoid redundancy.  Reposts are easy.  You didn't come here by accident to read something you just read a minute ago.  It isn't fun to make, and it isn't fun to view.  We want you to leave here with something new.  You guys like new, right?  Thought so.

There isn't really much more to say.  Come back often, tell your friends, cross your fingers, and hope this bra-bomb works...