The Game you Didn't Buy Today - March 22, 2011

This may still be better than Rush Hour

Money is tight. We know you can't afford to play everything out there, and when push comes to shove, you have to make some tough calls. Don't worry, NRDLNGR has your back. Every Tuesday, we'll take a closer look at a game you probably passed by.  You'll never have to wonder 'what if?' again...

Well, nerd-o-sphere, we have come to the end of an era.  The Nintendo 3DS is arriving on American shores this Sunday. Regardless of how you feel about the constantly-looming threat of blindness (I could go either way at this point), it is difficult not to be excited by a new generation of hardware. With this excitement comes a twinge of sadness as we bid adieu to the giant-grey-paperweight-turned-something-more that was the Nintendo DS.

What could be a better swan song to Nintendo's cash machine in the week before the 3DS than the thing that made it great:  Licensed shovelware! I give you Playmobil: Top Agents.

Top Agents is another entry into the curiously robust list of games based on the plastic toy line of its namesake. This, in itself, is already a strike against it. At the risk of stomping on someone's childhood, I've got to ask:  Did anyone actually play with these toys? Of all the enticing choking hazards out there, Playmobil struck me as a third-stringer at best. When I think Playmobil, I envision a kid's birthday dashed to pieces when they finally get to open that big present, eagerly shredding that wrapping paper to reveal a box of plastic disappointment. There aren't enough Ninja Turtle cakes in the world to save this one, mom and dad!

I was kinda hoping Top Agents would be about that. It's not...

Or maybe it is. I'm still trying to figure that out. I know it isn't really fair for me to rip into a game I've never played, but I definitely would have considered picking it up from Amazon if it wasn't currently sold out. Of course, it isn't hard to see why, given their description:

"Escape from the depths of hell through ten single-player levels"

Where was this playset when I was growing up? Given what I can gather from the box art, a minifig-esque buddy cop blast-your-way-outta-hell would be an awesome way to send the DS off into the sunset. Leave it to the ESRB to dash our dreams:

"This adventure game...lets players assume the role of 'cartoony' agents on a quest to stop the Robo Gang from gaining world domination."

Hmm... Team Fortress 2 has 'cartoony' agents, and I love that. Maybe I was too hasty to judge.

"Players run and jump through side-scrolling levels and use punches and kicks to fight enemies."

This kinda sounds like New Super Mario Bros. Alright, ESRB, sell it to me.

"Players can also fire a small pistol...enemies cry out, slump over, and quickly disappear when defeated."

Guns, TF2, and Mario? Maybe Amazon really did get cleaned out. Needing to know more, I went to the website for Top Agents' developer, DreamCatcher. I found nothing there about the game. Not a single mention. I emailed their PR inquiring about any sort of press materials, but have yet to hear back (I'll update if I do).

Then I found this:

Yeah, take that, Crysis 2! I cannot wait till Amazon gets this game back in stock...

Well, DS, here's another one to add to the low-cost third-party cash-in pile. Not the best way to go out (yes yes, Pokemon and Okamiden, you can be quiet now). But who knows? Between now and when Gamestop decides you're not worth shelf space, someone might toss a real gem your way. At least you didn't close out your run with one of those half-assed educational psuedo-apps.

...oh wait.