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| Live to ride, ride to live.. |
Yes, that turquoise cube of multi-dimensional potential is finally in our hands. The Nintendo 3DS was released here in the US Sunday, and whether you’re in love with the alternate-reality functions or its curious abundance of fishing titles, it’s hard to imagine a time before depth perception.
So, while you read this from behind your stereoscopic camera, let’s take a gander at the games you can no longer afford. There’s a racing game (yawn), some golf thing (still better than real golf), and a new Dynasty Warriors installment (the Japanese seem pleased with it...). These are all well and good, but they pale in comparison to the awesome might that is, you guessed it, a new wrestling game.
WWE All-Stars. Forget plot. Forget sanity. THQ has cut the crap and given fans what they want; oiled, shirtless men rolling around on a raised platform. It may literally be more fun than you can shake a folding-chair-autographed-by-John-Cena at. And don’t worry hyperactive 12-year-old/redneck drunk on testosterone/redneck drunk on PBR and possibly turpentine, because you don’t need one of those expensive HD tee-vees or a current-gen console to get a piece of this dudefest. WWE All-Stars is available on the Playstation 2.
That’s not a typo. This week will see a game released for the PS2. It isn’t even the game I wanted to write about today, but I am too amazed to let it slip by unnoticed. Sony wasn’t kidding when they designed the PS2 with a 10-year lifespan in mind. Ok, maybe they didn’t have this in mind, but anything is better than nothing, right? I am curious, though, does THQ know Gamestop doesn’t have shelf space designated for new PS2 games? Maybe the PS2 version is exclusive to truck stops.
Now that I think about it, I would not be surprised to discover my previous statement is true...
With that out of the way, I would like to draw your attention to the Wii’s newest system-seller, I Love Horses: Rider’s Paradise. Published by Destineer, Rider’s Paradise is another installation in a long legacy of horse-fantasy games, the likes of which include Let’s Ride: Friends Forever, Horse & Foal: My Riding Stables, and My Horse & Me: Riding for Gold. What has always struck me as quaint is how so many of these titles sound like they were inspired by an issue of Easyrider. Even Amazon’s product description for Rider’s Paradise sounds like it was pulled from a Harley Davidson ad, or, at the very least, an episode of Sons of Anarchy:
“...live a stoyline about friendship, love for horses, wrong choices, sacrifice and responsibility.”
Ok, maybe not that part about horses...
As with many of the family-friendly games about animals or babies, I often look at the title and ask myself, “who would buy this?”
With Rider’s Paradise, I was disturbed to find the answer... Horsecrazygirls.com
Although I can never fully convince you, I swear to God this is not a fetish porn website. Let’s be clear, though, just because it isn’t porn doesn’t make the site less unsettling. The whole thing feels like your divorced aunt’s crystal unicorn collection. Lord only knows what profound psycho-social trauma befell the creator or patrons of this website, but whatever it was, there remains no therapy in existence capable of returning to them any semblance of connection to humanity.
I imagine a woman meandering through the clothing section of Walmart, the bottom fallen out on her life, seeing one of those airbrushed horse t-shirts and saying to herself as she clutches it to her chest and stares at the sky, “it all makes sense now! Thank you, horse-Jesus, for opening my eyes! I’ll never be lonely again!”
We could have just as easily wound up with BigDogCrazyGirls.com.
Regardless of what made them, the equestrian-obsessed women get another mini-game/dress-up bonanza to unsuccessfully fill the horse-shaped hole in their hearts. It really isn’t all that different from the juiced-up rednecks and their homoerotic bludgeon-a-thon. If enough people love something, someone will find a way to cash in on it. Whether it be cars, animals, sports, or dudes pretending to punch one another, someone will find a way to sell you more of what you love.
God help us all when the time comes to make a game about Jersey Shore...
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